There’s nothing wrong with being shy. In fact, being shy is good in a way, because, like I always say, if it weren’t for shy people the world would be full of loudmouth arseholes. How to overcome shyness takes a bit of work.
Still, if we were all shy blokes when it comes to love the world would be a pretty empty place, wouldn’t it?
Always remember, nothing ventured nothing gained. If your shyness is holding you back the only way you’ll ever be truly comfortable is if you confront it – head-on. That means digging deep into your self in order to find the root of your problem, doing something about it, building up your confidence and taking positive actions, step by step, in order to overcome it once and for all.
Why are you shy?
That’s the first thing you need to ask. Shyness is an umbrella term and there are different types of shyness. You may have one type or another, or different types of shyness in combination.
So, before you go any further you need to figure out whether you’re just generally shy by nature, or whether there’s something that makes you only get shy around women.
If you’re just shy by nature it can make dating difficult, but the reality is there’s no way around it, you just have to come out of your shell a bit more.
If you’re generally an all-round happy bloke who’s extrovert and outgoing but suddenly chokes around women then there’s something that’s stopping you.
There’s an invisible barrier somewhere in your mind that’s preventing you from stepping into the arena with your confidence and personality intact. So you have to locate it and fix it.
It may simply be a lack of practice. Or it might be the case that when you’re with your mates you feel like the life and soul of the party.
But you just don’t like being out there on your own and out of your comfort zone. Or perhaps, as is common with us blokes (and a common complaint from the ladies).
You’re one of those blokes who doesn’t like to open up because by opening yourself to others you leave yourself vulnerable.
Perhaps you have been burned once before, and this event, consciously or otherwise, is what’s stopping you now.
Whatever it is you need to dig deep and confront it, this blockage, whatever it is that’s holding you back, the fear you face now, the fear of what might happen – you need to really ask yourself if it really is as terrible a prospect as it seems? And is avoiding that fear or potential pain really worth feeling as miserable as you do now?
Fear of the unknown is one of the most normal human reactions there is, but, as the famous line from FDR says, “we have nothing to fear but fear itself”. And so, unless you want to spend the rest of your life living with that fear, still terrified of speaking to women even when you’re 80, then it’s high time you bucked up, looked that fear right in the eye and stared it down.
Focus on the positive
Used to be a time the ladies focused more on this sort of stuff, but let’s be honest, us blokes are bombarded with it day in, day out too; you got to look this way, you got to look that way, you’re too fat, you’re too thin, you’re too this, you’re too that. Nine times out of ten it’s just another message amongst many made by some corporation to sell you some tub of crap you don’t need. They start by making you feel like crap then promise you that, if you buy their crap, you’ll suddenly feel better. Ignore it.
Ignore the other people who like to shoot you down too. After all what the hell do they know anyway? You know yourself better than anyone else, and you know what your strengths are. Just focus on them, rather than getting hung up on all the other stuff.
And whatever you don’t get hooked up on your appearance because women aren’t actually as hooked up on appearance as us blokes are led to believe.
Look at Mick Jagger; he’s short, he’s ugly and he’s no spring chicken these days is he? But the guy still struts like a peacock because he focuses exclusively on the positive. It’s all about confidence.
That doesn’t mean you have to turn yourself into some stereotypical alpha male poseur, it simply means that you have to believe in yourself and let your inner strengths shine through.
If you have trouble conversing with the opposite sex, or you’re just shy in general. One way to get better is to practice. If you consider yourself to be socially awkward then you can always do something about it.
Read books on public speaking and the art of conversation, the reality is nobody’s born a great conversationalist, they all had to work on it too.
Once you’ve got the theory down it’s time to put it into practice. Try joining a club and doing some public speaking.
It won’t just help you in your love life, it will help with your life in general, both in your personal life and your career.
I had a friend who was once terribly shy, particularly with women, then one day, out of the blue, he told me he joined an amateur dramatics group.
He ended up in a play performing in front of over a thousand people. He just got right up on the stage and done it. The first night, he said, he was terrified, but, he told me, there was no going back, so he gritted his teeth and just got through it.
The second night it wasn’t so bad, he said. By the final night, the guy strutted across the stage without a care in the world.
Plus I heard from another mate he did pretty well at the afters party too, managing to get a date with the leading lady. Which leads me to my next point…
Just jump in
When you were young, like say when you were learning to swim, how did you start? Well, you started off paddling in the shallow end. After a while, you got your confidence and eventually, you just jumped into the deep end.
So once you’ve got a little practice in, take off those silly armbands and just take the plunge.
Also, listen to that nagging little voice that’s saying, “kiss her you fool!”
That voice might be dead wrong, of course, but there’s only one way to find out, right?
You got rejected – congratulations
You’re a man.
Fear of rejection and/or failure is one of the biggest obstacles we all face in life. Whether it’s with the opposite sex, career, business, whatever – it’s only by doing this that we learn.
Rejection builds character, it toughens us up. Life’s all about rejection, but it’s how we deal with it that matters.
Learn from your mistakes, without overanalysing them, and vow to do better next time. And there always has to be the next time.
So take the knocks, suck it up, get back up on your feet and try again, the world is full of happy, successful people who failed a thousand times before they finally made it.
Bring a wingman
One of the worst things, when trying to chat with a lady, is those awkward silences. These can be made all the more cringe-worthy if the person you’re talking to is also shy. You both end up sitting there, silent and miserable – not exactly a date to remember.
That’s why double-dating was invented. Bringing a good mate along to help fill in those awkward silences. Who’ll back you up and big you up and who’ll make sure you get through those initial rough patches. (Though obviously, you’ll want to thank him for his efforts with a couple of cold ones, right?)
Of course, you can’t have your best mate around all the time, it would spoil the intimacy a little bit wouldn’t it? So eventually you’ll have to take your first solo flight.
Have you got clearance from the tower? Good, chocks away then – to death or glory!
Man’s best friend
Dogs are great, we all love dogs right? Any man who doesn’t like dogs is a bit funny if you ask me. He’s like a bloke who won’t drink a beer.
Dogs are great companions, they’re always happy to see us, which is great for our confidence. They give us comfort and company and they’re just great fun all the time.
But did you know that a dog is also the perfect wingman?
Oh, it’s true. First of all, they won’t ever try and muscle in on your lady, and second of all, you don’t have to buy him pints all night. You need a good, proper bloke’s dog, though.
You don’t want one of those wussy dogs. Especially not one of those mince little poodle things that are constantly yapping at everyone and everything in existence.
At the same time you don’t want to come across as some macho asshole either, so forget about getting a Rottweiler or a pit bull.
You want to be approachable, so you want a dog that people, particularly the ladies, will not be able to resist coming up and petting.
The idea being first they pet the dog, and then later you try to get them to pet you.
Now, if you’ve never had a dog before it’s high time you got one. Every bloke should own a dog at least once, and they should then learn how to properly train it.
A dog that’s constantly barking, biting, jumping or humping strangers’ legs makes you look like an idiot. You want the ladies to see you as a guy who’s in control and got things sorted.
And the vibe you want to be giving them is that of a manly but sensitive bloke. Just with his faithful companion at his side.
Exercising your dog and your wingman
Next, you’ll want to exercise your dog (and yourself) by taking your new best buddy out walking every morning. Go to the park nice and early, that’s when all the pretty young girls are out jogging, all long legs and lycra.
Before you know it you’ll have them all fawning all over your new best friend. True they’ll all ask “what’s his name?” First before even thinking about asking yours. But from a first impressions standpoint you can’t do better than having the dog lick her fingers and saying with a smile, “oooh, he likes you!”
As an added bonus try taking your best friend out for a night on the town. Obviously not to the snooty clubs or wine bars, but to a nice proper pub. Where hip, easygoing people hang out and the owner’s cool with you bringing your dog in.
Dogs are a great icebreaker. As with the park, before you know it you’ll have loads of girls coming up.
The dog, once again, will be a great way to make initial small talk. Except for this time around, you’ll have the assistance of alcohol. If a particularly nice lady comes over you could offer to buy her a drink.
If things start to go really well you can always try this classic. “Actually I think he needs to go out for a little walk in a minute, fancy coming with us?”
Now you’ve got the perfect chance to take her for a nice moonlit stroll. Away from the crowded bar where there isn’t so much pressure to make constant small talk.
It’s just you, her and your four-legged wingman sniffing along beside you. And, if you play your cards right, you’ll have the perfect opportunity to make your move.